Blank Sheet of Paper

In 2008, I gained quite a few more pregnant and engaged acquaintances from high school. I lost a little confidence in something that I was once so sure of. I stopped writing in my journal half way through the year. I started being a bit more honest with myself. I was hugely satisfied by his announcement that he was trying to go back to school. And frustrated by his lack of confidence in other areas of his life. I am so embarrassed that I sang with him in the car that one day. Once again, I got excited for something that didn’t happen. Once again, I did not finish the story. The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is my smile. I think it disappeared for a while this past year. The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is my outlook for the future. I loved spending time laying in the sun over summer. Why did I spend even two minutes thinking that he would have remembered that? I should have spent more t...

I think it's because I thought about you today at work. Because I told a story about you. Because while I did all of this, I was smiling. I didn't get mad. I didn't get teary. I smiled . I missed those times a little, sure, I always will while I'm there, but I smiled, and I meant it, and I'm glad you're happy. Happy New Year. There must be a reason We first got together There must have been a reason We used to talk forever It's hard to see now Cause it's easier to think of what went wrong I could keep pointin' fingers I could stay mad as hell Just let my anger linger But as far as I can tell I've just got to let it go If I wanna move on So I'll think about how you made me laugh Not think about how you made me cry Think about how we both swore We'd love each other 'till we died Forget about who's to blame Just remember your smilin' face Well it's a choice I've had to make So I'll think about you that way Seems...

I'm most DEFINITELY ready for 2008 to be over and for 2009 to begin! 1. Make 2009 better than 2008. (Duh, of course, we all want to make our lives better.) 2. Don't work any more than is absolutely necessary at my job. (But I'm sure a little more work and effort wouldn't kill me at school - -maybe.) 3. Attempt to go to church more often. (I've been playing with the idea on and off again, and I can't decided. Maybe if it goes well I'll make my confirmation eventually. I couldn't tell you though. With this one it's a wait and see, and go from there.) 4. Go to at least 2 Cubs games. (Woo-hoo!) 5. Lay out in the sun this summer. (Take a road trip or something too. Nothing too crazy, but just take a long weekend and GO.) 6. Read and write for myself more. 7. Work on that whole "communication" thing. 8. Work out more. Or actually start . (I don't need to lose any weight or anything, but when spring break comes around and I s...

1. You’re a slut 2. You’re an IBNAB 3. I don’t trust you 4. You lie to your friends 5. You’re a bad liar 6. You aren’t all that pretty 7. You’re an artist 8. You drive a stupid car 9. You go to the dumb school 10. You’re a stupid drunk 11. I’m pretty sure there’s a little piece of the devil in your eyes 12. I think you have borderline personality disorder 13. You’re one of those people who think your life is “so hard” 14. You have a lame job 15. Your favorite baseball team sucks 16. You remind me of her 17. You disregard other’s feelings 18. You don’t think before you act 19. You’re a cheater 20. You’re crazy - -not in a good way, either 21. That look you tossed the first time I met you 22. The way you said you knew him better than I did 23. The late night phone calls 24. You tried it 25. And the list goes on…..

With the exception of 1.5 people, I AM DONE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING! This has NEVER happened to me before!

I really wish you would have answered your phone.

I deleted you from my life yesterday. I took your numbers down off the board, made them into my secret, and mailed them in. I even deleted your name from my phone. Why, exactly I did these things, I couldn't tell you. Maybe I thought it was just time to move on. Maybe I was tired of waiting for the phone call that never came. And yet, that phone call came today. It always seems to come, right when I've given up on you. "What? You don't say bye anymore when you leave?" "What? You can't pick up a phone every now and again?" That's whatI should have replied with, but instead I went back in, and we ended up talking for probably twenty minutes. Yeah, I know, I shouldn't have stuck around that long, but what's done is done, and you've managed to sneak your way back into my life, yet again, because you're you, and you never run out of chances with me. *sigh* We made plans, you and I, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I don't think...

5. Anything that sounds horrendous 4. Donna 3. Kimberly 2. Tiffany 1. Ashley

That I cannot WAIT until this movie comes out!?!

I think that at some point during my youth that I managed to convince myself that when I turned twenty my life would somehow become a little easier, less drama involved. And now, I'm actually laughing as I type that. I don't have that safety net anymore, the last resort excuse that, I'm a teenager, I'm suppose to be naive and (for lack of a better word) stupid. Poof! Gone! Now I actually have to think of why I do some of the things I do and what to do about this silly thing called the future. Easier? Less drama? Yes, I'm still laughing.

Fuck You.

According to this, I'm more likely to get breast cancer than you are. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26954781/

And no, I'm not a pirate. He's being dumb. WHY is he being dumb? Because he knows it annoys me? Because he wants me to confront him about it so that he can give me that stupid little smirk of his? (I'm betting it's that last one.) Argh. So what am I going to do? I'm going to pull the classic "I'm so happy for you" skit and kill him with it. What do you think about that?

First of all, I never took you as a "dating in the workplace" kinda guy. Okay, well, maybe this is kind of a lie, but, come on, give me a break, kid. Second, and perhaps even more importantly, I honestly do not believe that she took your breath away. If she had, this would have happened much, much sooner. So all of this (AKA my two reasons) begs the reason, WHY? Why are you doing this? No offense, you usually have a good complaining series after it's done with about how all turned out to be a waste of your time (and I don't blame you, we all do this), and I don't want to doom this, really, I mean, maybe she's amazing and she's the one that you'll make it with, but if you don't make it, it will be even harder this time for me not to tell you 'I told you so'. ....Especially since you told yourself so first.

I hope you don't mind I told him how you like it from behind Thank you, Eminem, for putting that into words for me.

My throat is hurting, and I'm willing to take bad tasting drops because they make it feel better.

Apparently, cute things can come from Indiana.....

There is actually one "gift" that I really want. Perhaps more than anything. More than that pony I've wanted since I was a kid. More than that dream sports car I've been wanting for a year or so. More than... like I said.... anything . You wouldn't have to wrap it. You wouldn't have to waste any extra time. It wouldn't cost you much. Maybe it would even save you some money. It's kind of a selfish gift, I know. Yet at the same time it's a much needed reminder. My last real "gift" as a teenager. And one I know I won't get.

When you can't breath properly through your nose because of allergies (or the change in weather, or a cold... who even knows at this point?) it is not smart to go ahead and read something that you know is going to make you teary eyed.

Thinking about you after 2am is inappropriate. 1am in debatable. 12am and earlier is completely acceptable.

Two years ago, I went from school straight to work. Currently, I'm going from school straight to work, more or less. That is the connection I made and made me think about the question I asked you last night. Of course, when you asked me, "Why are you thinking of that?" I probably should have explained this reason, not given you the answer that I did. But, of course, what's done is done. And even though you probably think I'm a little crazy, well, there might be some truth behind that too.

I am inclined to say no, I am not ready for classes to be starting. What was I thinking planning all of my classes on the same day? (Tuesdays and Thursdays.) Better yet, what was I thinking planning my during-the-week work schedule for Tuesdays and Thursdays, too? Oh yes, I vaguely recall thinking that two thirteen hour days would be better than driving to campus every day of the week for only a couple of hours. I mean, I guess it really isn't that bad if you think about it..... And hey, on the upside, I'm already almost half way done with my online course first week assignment. Maybe I can do this.

The pill made me do it! It's interesting, but I guess I wouldn't be all that surprised.

1 week..... Until classes start. 1 month..... Until my birthday. 4.5 months..... Until "D Day". ?.... Until THE day.

Eventually, like everything else, they wither away to nothing.

I'm sorry for jumping you in the manner I did the other day. Signed Sincerely, Me P.S. Actually, I'm not sorry. I was really excited to see you ;-)

...And for all the wrong reasons, too. I worked, quite possibly, my last Wednesday at work yesterday. It almost makes me sad, remembering all the good Wednesdays from Christmas Past. Never again... And, sure, I'm probably exaggerating, okay, I know I'm exaggerating, but it was still a bittersweet good-bye, and those are the worse.

...According to the calendar on my door, it's June 13th.

I think it's human nature to want to be needed. Just to know that someone wants you around, enjoys your company, and, not to mention, it's a nice feeling, knowing that you're wanted. We all just want to be wanted, and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I guess it's just finding someone who wants you as much as you want them... That, is the challenge.

Dear Jess: Yeah, that's all I have too....

...It's a horrible disease.

I tried to post video earlier today and I think I finally figured out why it didn't work. The person who posted it put some wicked voodoo on it and made it impossible to magically post elsewhere. Or, in other words, there's some computer technical term for it, but I know nothing about it, so I'm currently incapable of making it appear here for you to watch for my entertainment pleasure. Boo! So, since I'm still a sap, and want to be able to have easy access to the video, I will post the link and be comforted that probably no one will click it and watch it though. Rory & Jess: Everything Yes, because I'm a sap, and I feel for the best TV couple ever created.

I've been writing you letters again. In my head, I mean, because writing them down would be too dangerous, too convenient, too real . Now don't get excited yet. They aren't anything great, these letters. Just small facts, and tid-bits, and complaints, and questions - -some that you can answer and some you can't and some you can't answer with full faith but will come up with a reply that you know will comfort me without technically being a lie. They're life.... In writing. For you . Silly, I know.

So, I got a new computer. A laptop actually. It's cool. High tech. All set up thanks to the boyfriend. The only thing I officially haven't mastered yet is the typing without always hitting the mouse pad or whatever. The stupid cursor moves and I don't necessarily realize it. For example, it probably took me a full minute to type that last sentence because of it moving around. Oh well, I'll get use to it and avoid it eventually. (I was going good there until I hit the "it" too.) In other news, I'm going to start doing pilates. Yes, you heard me right. I have the DVD, I have the mat, and I've also convinced Kyle that he's going to do it with me. Nice, huh? Well, that's it for now!

How many weeks are we into summer already, and for the first time I feel like I had a brief moment of summer. FINALLY! Granted I did my laundry and had it done by 10am, I laid out for a while this afternoon. Then, even though after only a measly 30 minutes I was sweating, I decided to jump into the pool to cool off. AND I even created a whirlpool. :-) Thank you, summer goddess, for giving me some temporary serenity.

So the challenge began. The challenge was met once. Met twice. Reminded upon. And then accepted upon by #4. We'll see how this thing goes from here on out. I'm not much of a writer.

When one of the whores come, The rest follow.

....Punch someone in the nose.

...The second most brilliant weather miracle.

That's what I'm going to do this summer: Read and write. Since my class has been cancelled (still not quite over that), I've decided that I'm going to spend the majority of time reading new (and old) books and actually complete something that I've written. Ten weeks gives me plenty of time to reread a favorite series of mine that has its final addition coming out August 2nd (super excited) and still come up with the next great American novel. Can't wait!

My summer school class was canceled due to low enrollment and the university chose to inform me the night before the class starts. It sounds silly, I'm sure. You're sad that your summer school class was canceled? Shouldn't be overjoyed to get those 6 weeks added back to your summer? But I went and bought my book for the class the end of last week and campus was so warm and bright and welcoming.... It sounds silly, but I was actually looking forward to getting back to the routine.

The 10 Commandments: You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself any carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your manservant, nor your maidservant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord ...

How many times have I said it? How many times have I asked? I think it's become redundant at this point. You're not going to change. So what is it that they say? Let sleeping dogs lie .

I couldn't tell you the last time I had a nightmare. Of course, now that I've said that, I'm probably going to have a wicked horrible one tonight, but that's besides the point. Bad dreams on the other hand.... Well, before Sunday night, I couldn't have told you the last time I had one. Since Sunday though, I've been plagued by them. One (at least one) every time I fall asleep for a good time. Now, you may be asking: What's the difference between a bad dream and nightmare? I don't know if there's a universal definition, but a nightmare, to me, is when some scary mass murdered is after you or when someone you love dearly passes away. I still remember my first nightmare, and it involved skeletons chasing me with knives. Weird... And scary. A bad dream on the other hand... Things just aren't right in a bad dream - -They're not how they're suppose to be. People are saying "I love you" to the wrong people. Kissing people who t...

That's what the commercial asked that I heard on my way to class this morning. Okay, not really. What it really asked was: "What do you want in a house ?" But, you know... House.... Husband.... They're practically the same thing ;-)

I keep having this reoccurring short film play in my head. We're at my wedding (god knows when), dancing to some cheesy song that you wouldn't have been interested in two and half years ago. It's a slow song - -we're not that far apart. We're talking, laughing, reminiscing. And that's when I tell you what I've been thinking for the past three years and how I think it's all come true. You pause for a minute, kiss me, and then it's over. There's no definite ending. I don't know if we finish the dance, or (heaven forbid) if you bow out, or what. I don't know what happens next . And I think that's the part that upsets me most.

We all know how the saying goes: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. ...But who gets the shame for "fool me thrice"?

It all makes sense now, you know. That there was a reason behind it all. Of course, that reason couldn't have anything to do with me, no, that would be too logical, too nice . It was all done for someone else. Yea, sure, I mean, I support your having support for this person, but, damn, I'm not going to lie. I thought that I had become a little more important.

I got the exact response I wanted. ....But now what do I do?

If you Google "IBNAB" my blog is the number one result. I must admit, I am quite proud :-)

Isn't it amazing how you can fix one thing and then another thing has to pop up right away?

I think that I can fix this. I think that I can fix everything . - -But it might be time to face the music one last and final time. It's been too long, longer than usual. Three months no talking. Five months no seeing. My attempts at reconciliation have failed rather miserably. I mean, what did I really expect to do? Show up at your work or your house unannounced and demand that we talk about this until it has been solved to both of our satisfactions? I was literally footsteps away from that two months ago when fate or something else decided to intervene and draw me elsewhere. So then what? We're both adults (one of us more so than the other) so why can't we come to a sensible conclusion? I don't believe that this is what you really want, and it isn't what I want either... so what's the problem?

I don't like them. I don't like anything about them. I don't live giving them, and I most certainly do not like receiving them. Never once have I had even a remotely good, even "okay", experience with them. Not any of the ones that I have received or the couple that I have given turned out well, and I honestly believe that I made the wrong decision in every single one of those cases. I don't like them. So, why am I telling you this? Because I know, I know that they are not fair, and I am truly sorry for that. And I am not going to make you choose anytime soon, but eventually, eventually, if things "work out", then you will have to choose one or the other.

My head feels like it's going to explode!!!!!

But if you don't feel anything when you hear this song, then you don't have a heart.

I'm not famous today. Maybe next week.

grand (adj) impressive in size, magnificent or splendid gesture (n) any action, courtesy, communication, &c., intended for effect therefore (broadly placed) grand gesture (n) an impressive action To be perfectly blunt, I'm missing my grand gestures. I haven't gotten many during my life, probably because of the amount of "risk" involved, but there are some things that are simply shoe ins. I like to know that I've been missed/thought about/&c (who doesn't?) I mean, I'm not necessarily talking John Cusack in Say Anything grand (though I admit that I would give you a crazy running jump hug and a kiss of some sort if you ever did that), it doesn't have to be like that, it's just... something, I don't know. Even a little one. Just let me know, okay?

He hasn't even been baking that long, but it smells wonderful in this house. I love it.

I can't fix it if you don't give me the chance. So suck it up for a bit, and let me try to correct it.

Finally! I know it's only been maybe about a year or so since the last novel came out, but I've been dying to know how the series is going to end. Will Edward give Bella her wish? More importantly, what's going to happen if he doesn't? (I don't like to think along that path.) Anyway, they say it's a " dazzling grand finale ", so I'm anticipating its release even more. Can't wait!

So I was snooping around today (not even really snooping, I was actually looking for something and thought that this may be a plausible place to find this object I was looking for, but then I found something else that caught my eye, and I'm one of those people who have to feed their curiosity whether it ends good or bad, but that's another story that's getting anyway from my point, if I even have one). Anyway, during this time I found something that shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. It was amazing, this other thing I found, and even though there are some things we just know, things that are facts, things that we know and accept and even utilize our knowledge of this every once in a while, it was still amazing. It made the little known fact even more apparent, and all I have to say is wow, that's amazing.

Nothing too fabulous up. This just means I should work on my post card.

Why aren't new secrets up yet?

The sound quality is better on this video than the one with Tyler Hilton and Bethany Joy Lenz actually singing... but I guess this video isn't too bad either.

My paranoia's breaking though. I had an epiphany on my way home from school today. I thought: " Yes, that's it! It has to be it! The only explanation! " Yea, not so much. No documented evidence. None in my hands, anyway. And it could possibly all be fixed with one simple phone call, text, message, whatever. And what would it read? Can I borrow your year book ? Sad and true. I'm officially paranoid.

I really just wanted the picture to be here, but when I looked at it today, it wasn't. Lame! So click the link instead and check out the secret of the week .

Yea, I think I'm having one. Not cool.

Disclaimer: Possibly not for those who are currently made teary-eyed easily. About a year ago I came to a small list of things (people) who I deemed required to be around for my wedding. They are as follows: (1) My dad. Of course, it's every girl's wish, maybe even need, for her dad to walk her down the aisle. It's a definite requirement for me. (2) My grandma. Come on, she's my grandma, and she's still cool as heck. I want her to see me there all dolled up. (3) My great aunts and uncle. It's true, I don't seem them often, but it's the principle. They have so much life experience and I know that they've been to so many weddings during their lifetime, but I wanted them to come to mine . And yes, I knew that they were old seven years ago, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt a little when the reality checks keep coming in that this one may not happen.

Is this true?

To clarify if I haven't gotten news to you yet: There was an even that happened approximately four weeks ago that has resolved itself in its entirely. Please, for my own sake, if you love me, can we pretend (to the best of our extent) that it never happened? Thank you. P.S. I can answer any questions that are bound to come from this in "private".

Everyone who knew said 'No, don't do that again.' But I did do it again. And I don't regret it. I mean, yes, sometimes, I'm scared to death. But maybe this is all some sort of life long lesson that I just haven't gotten yet. ....Or maybe I have.

Make it a Post Secret!

And this retched month will turn into a (hopefully) much better one. Thank Goodness!

My friends tend to think I'm crazy when I say I'd pick winter over summer nine times out of ten, but on nights like this I want to tell them to look outside and try to convince me otherwise.

It's approximately two weeks into Lent, and while I have been acting on my deed that I promised to do this season, I must admit that it is not going as well as it could be. Now, I am aware that's a part of the tradition, right? It's suppose to be a struggle, but it's also meant to turn out for your positive in the end. But my positive... it seems a little too far off, and, well, there are only twenty-four days left. A little help? Signed Sincerely, me.

I don't think people fall out of love. And there are several reasons why that scares the crap out of me.

Movies I want to see (Theater): -Untraceable -Definitely, Maybe -Fool's Gold -Jumper -Vantage Point Movies I want to see (Rentable) -No Reservations -The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford -Martian Child Please note, if we see any of these movies together, you will probably be my favorite person for a week :-)

Where do you see yourself in five years? That is the question that Ryan asked me the other day in class. My response? I turned to him and replied with the utmost honesty: I have no idea . It scared me a little, that I realized I really don't have any clue anymore. If you would have asked me two months ago, even two weeks ago, I could have told you. "This and this, and I want to do this, and I'm going to have this, and I'm going to do this, and this is how it's all going to work out." Now though? No clue. I mean, yea, sure I have my wishes, I have my plans, but where does that get me? Nowhere. Yes, I can plan it all out, but what happens if it doesn't work out that way? I don't exactly have a back up plan. I certainly don't want to be in school for the rest of my life, trying to figure it out. And realistically, I still want those things I wanted two months ago, two weeks ago, but things have changed. So, Dear Mr. Lewis University Staff Memb...

I had this brilliant blog planned out for when I got home from work tonight. It was going to be deep and thoughtful and wonderous and, well, EVERYTHING! But February had to go and ruin it for me. The stupid rain/snow/ice froze my car doors when I got out of work. Ridiculous.

Lent begins today. Oh, that crazy 40 day festivity of yours. And to be perfectly honest, I haven't decided what I'm going to give up or what I'm going to do for the common good of humanity. And to be perfectly honest again, and probably a little selfish and unreasonable and so on, I feel like I've already given a lot up, so why do I have to add to the list? Signed Sincerely, me

I don't like you. In case I haven't made that apparently clear in previous times, I am pretty sure that you stink pretty bad. You haven't been very nice to me in the past - -only with the possible exception of last year, but still, if you figure only once in nearly twenty years, you have a crappy track record. I think that you owe me big time, so you can start anytime you like. Signed Sincerely, me

There's so much to say. So many words, whether they be nice ones or not-so-nice ones. But there's just so much.... I don't even know if there's a point in writing them down.

Is there anything you have to tell me? and Do you love me? Are fair game questions 24/7.

It's started with a snow day. I don't know if that means this month is going to be better or worse than usual.

He told me He'd wait here patiently but I wonder if he's kidding Well maybe he could be serious now Maybe not Maybe not Because Love is crazy Pretty baby Take it real slow My feelings show All you have to do Is never ever let go My feelings show And I want you to know My feelings show I'm sorry it's taking me so long To find out what I'm feeling I wonder if it will come to me Maybe not Maybe not Because Love is crazy Pretty baby Take it real slow My feelings show All you have to do Is never ever let go My feelings show And I want you to know My feelings show How I want you to know What I'm trying to say is that I'm feeling a change and I'll let it take all over If you need time away I won't ask you to stay But I don't want to lose you Love is crazy Pretty baby Take it real slow My feelings show All you have to do Is never ever let go My feelings show Love is crazy Pretty baby Take it real slow My feelings show All you have to do Is never ever let...

The only place where you can drive to school in the morning with the windows down and the radio up. Leave school four hours later to end up in the rain. Have your father come home four hours later and have it be hailing dimes at you. And then have your boyfriend not be able to see in front of him due to the snow five and a half hours later.

It was conveniently held in the café, though why I chose that specific place, I'm not completely certain. I guess you just strike me as the type that would look comfortable there, sitting at a high table with a coffee (or similar drink) in hand. It was a nice conversation. Normal. Polite. Filled with smiles and nods and small laughter. ...I miss having those conversations.

Now I fully admit that there is a "girl reason" behind my dislike for her (can we all guess what it is?), but I assure you that she is, in fact, an I.B.N.A.B. And no, I won't change my mind about her, either.

Dear Lewis Faculty Member Who Will Be Reading This Specific Scholarship Essay: I would like you to keep in mind that I am not yet twenty years of age. Therefore, I do not have much of an autobiography. Thank-you.

The ass hole's battery died today. I laughed. It's probably not nice, but I laughed. Finally, some karma in my favor.

Ass Hole Ass Hole Ass Hole You're An Ass Hole.

Dean was always the reliable one. The one who always called to let Rory know what was going on. It was Jess who didn't call and kept her waiting around. Not the other way around.

Jess is gone. And let's face it, it's because of what I did (or didn't) do.