Blank Sheet of Paper

It should be this easy.

In 2007, I gained a first year college experience (including a major). I lost contact with some (good) friends. I stopped stressing about the little things - -For the most part anyway. I started to plan ahead in life. I was hugely satisfied by acing my first semester ;-) And frustrated by a certain individual who sometimes confused the hell out of me. I am so embarrassed that I still find my thoughts wandering back to a year ago and then some.... Once again, I plotted evil against others. Once again, I did not say exactly what I meant. The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is nothing, really. But I will be getting contacts in a week! The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is my outlook on the world and the people in it (at least those I know, anyway.) I loved spending time with cute little nieces and nephews and my friends. Why did I spend even two minutes thinking that he could have missed me?

One of my sisters posted this blog that reminded me of this video. It's sad and loving and wishful all at the same time. Enjoy.

There comes a time in every person's life where they have to make a decision. An important decision. I cannot stress its importance well enough. THIS or THAT? What's your choice? THIS or THAT? Pick now. Pick quickly. But don't mess up. It is this situation where people find themselves torn. Both options have their pros and cons, and while one option has a more predictable outcome, you're not quite convinced that you want that option. But of course, all this time you know which one you are going to pick. You know which one you are going to pick, but it's the voicing of it that takes you so much time, because, once you voice it, it's permanent. And it's really that permanence that you're not sure of.

That's what they say, you know. Just leave them be. But I can't just leave them be- it's not my nature.

I don't really have much to blog about right now. Or maybe I really do, and I am just reluctant to share it with the world. I am, however, cold, and slightly annoyed. Maybe a little bit more than annoyed. Can someone tell me what specifically it is with boys and their toys?

When I find myself talking about the past, I feel the need to emphasize the different meanings of the word "before." There is before and then there is BEFORE. Before refers to the time before this time. Before the feelings of resentment and confusion came to light. Before I felt my body temperature physically rise. Before I cursed you out to others. Before I plotted. Before I could tell you anything. Before , also known as the first time. And then there is BEFORE. BEFORE I was a little unsure, but I still wanted it, so it was okay. BEFORE I had to watch my step with what I told you. BEFORE I asked you those questions I probably shouldn't have. BEFORE, also known as the early times of this time. It may seem silly, to classify things this way, but they're different. Before and BEFORE are different than just before. Because things were different then than they are now and will be. They're different, and those before's will never be the sa

Just ask me already!

Ask .

I’d rather die Than to need this If I could just hold off Tonight I think I’d be all right sleeping alone I know I’d be all right sleeping alone But no, no, no This isn’t possible No, no this isn’t possible Just sit back and relax But don’t worry I've Never been one to notice much but I’ll be the first to say That this is crazy But if it’s everything you’ll ever need I guess it’s everything you’ll ever need Just keep your voices down Can’t you see these other people Trying to sleep in this town And you still Get your thrills from Coffee and pills and Complaints about the noise I make But no, no, no This isn’t happening No, no this isn’t happening Sit back and relax But don’t worry I’ve Never been one to notice much but I’ll be the first to say this is crazy So if you don’t like then Then you can leave Nobody’s making you do this, no If you don’t like it then Then you don’t like it then Hold off the cars And get your radios on They’ll never know what living does Hold off t

We all have one .

* a wraparound porch (you know, one of those old fashioned ones with a swing on it so you can sit on it and watch the life out on the streets) * a fireplace (preferably in the 'family room') * an island (in my red kitchen) * a balcony (overlooking the backyard view, of course) * a big backyard (just big enough for kids to run around in and have a tree and a garden and still have room to breathe and enjoy)

Me too .

There's always something more you can say. That you want to say.

I'm too young to be this disheartened when my plans completely fall through. It never seems to fail though, I can plan a whole day (okay, a handful of hours in my evening), it will go wonderfully in my mind, and then when the time comes... *plunk* Nope, not gonna happen that way. Not even a little. - -Is that fair? Now I realize that plans change sometimes, possibly even the better half of the time, but... C'mon... It's two weeks until my birthday... Shouldn't I get a little leeway with this?

My birthday is coming up quick. Two weeks. I can't believe it myself, I mean, I remember teasing you before I started school, asking what you were going to get me. Ha, your answer now is relatively the same as it was then, just a little more mysterious. Truth be told, a part of me just wants to skip it, my birthday, I mean. It has nothing to do with being a year older, I've accepted that fact already, that my youth is slowly slipping away, but instead I admit that I'm afraid my birthday will bring back a stream of not-so-pleasant memories from a year ago. It may seem silly, it probably is silly, but the thought is still there, that 'What If?' Now I admit it's not true, I don't actually believe it, but I also didn't believe in a lot of things a year ago, and I was ultimately surprised. It's not that I don't look forward to the occasion holistically either, it's just that I wish this year won't leave me another year older and more b

It might not quite be New York , but it's close enough.

(Will you count me in) I've been awake for a while now You've got me feeling like a child now Cause everytime I see your bubbly face I get the tinglies in a silly place It starts in my toes and I crinkle my nose Wherever it goes, I always know You make me smile please stay for a while now Just take your time, wherever you go The rain is falling on my window pain But we are hiding in a safer place Undercover staying safe and warm You give me feelings that I adore It starts in my toes, make me crinkle my nose Wherever it goes, I always know You make me smile please stay for a while now Just take your time, wherever you go What am I gonna say When you make me feel this way I just...hmmmm...... And it starts in my toes makes me crinkle my nose Wherever it goes, I always know You make me smile please stay for a while now Just take your time, wherever you go I've been asleep for a while now You tuck me in just like a child now Cause everytime you hold me in your arms I'm comf

He is happy though, right? I mean, sure, he didn't tell me about it, but.. convenient friends... they don't tell one another everything ....

'Nuff said.

It's not that there wasn't a secret or two that stuck out to me this week. No, that wasn't it at all. Instead, it's just that I have decided that it is near time again that I send in another secret or two. I don't even know if I would necessarily call them "secrets" it's just more of those little random unknown facts that you haven't told anyone yet. It's not that they're bad, or that they're even good, they're just... facts, facts that you just haven't told anyone yet. It's as simple as that, we've all got 'em.

Heartfelt and laughable .

After my nervous habit took four of my fingernails tonight.... You owe me another cookie. - -And it better be a big one.

(1) I hate that you have good taste in music. (2) I hate that we're only convenient friends. (3) I hate that you can make me smile when I want to be mad at the world. (4) I hate that if you ever need anything I would drop what I'm doing to try to help. (5) I hate that you would never ask me for help. (6) I hate that you're not there every week. (7) I hate that you don't even have to try. (8) I hate that you're just kind of floating. (9) I hate that you're a good listener. (10) I hate that you're like my big brother when someone's hurt me. (11) I hate that you're so gentleman-like. (12) I hate that you know everything. (13) I hate that if you were to ever read this that you would know which ones are lies.

I'm waiting too.

(11) How do you know you won't change your mind? (12) Do you believe in second chances? ...Do you believe you should have got one? (13) Are you jealous of Jess ? (14) Why did you choose to throw away three years instead of three months? (15) Do you honestly think none of it's my fault?

(6) Back in October, if she and I were both tied to train tracks and the train was headed for us, who would you save if you could only save one? (7) Where will you be when you're older? (8) What's one family tradition you don't want to ever get rid of and will change your plans for the sole purpose of continuing it? (9) Why didn't you call me all those nights you supposedly laid in bed, wishing that you could talk to me? (10) How soon is too soon?

(1) Could you tell me just one more time what happened with you two? ...Just one more time, I promise. (2) How do you know if you love someone/something? (3) What do you think about before you go to sleep? (4) You trust me, don't you? ...Even if you don't trust the people who I hang out with? (5) What's one of your secrets? (6) (7) (8) (9) (10) (11) (12) (13) (14) (15) (16) (17) (18) (19) (20) To Be Continued...

- Determine what is in fact my business and what is not - Try to limit my inappropriate questions to those about the things that are in fact my business - Don't avoid - Look people in their eye when it's important - Don't be vague - Savour time - Other "life" plans

This is my favorite secret this week. When did life get so hard?

Today has been a long day. It's actually been a long week - -maybe even a long month, and while I know that there is no way you can make everything better (because if you could there is no doubt in my mind that I would be asking you to), but you're a good reminder of the little things, perhaps even the more important things, and how they will hopefully be the things to get me through. Thank you.

Four secrets. I'm mailing out four secrets tomorrow to PostSecrets. It's a weird feeling, to know that I have so many stupid little secrets (and maybe just a couple decent sized ones), but rather than letting the concerned individual(s) know, I'm more willing to run the chance of having them be viewed by millions. It's anonymous of course, which is probably why I'm more comfortable with it, but it just makes me think if I need to rethink these supposedly little secrets. It was therapeutic though, making those cards. I don't think I spent more than a half an hour total on the four, but there was something about finally getting those things out, even though they weren't to an actual person. Maybe it's my inner soul telling me that I need to set out writing again, I don't know. But it felt good. I feel better. ...And I didn't even know that I was wrong. Four secrets though. I hope at least one of them gets put up, but I know PostSecret must g

I have written four drafts tonight, none of which have made it up. I have tried to put into words my annoyances, confusion, earth shattering questions, and even the happy thoughts that I know are somewhere in the back of my mind, yet none of it has turned out. I therefore believe darlings that it's time to call it quits on trying to sort it all out.

There comes a point where saying "screw it, I give up" is actually okay. There are some things you simply cannot win. ...And then you can scream at the top of your lungs.

For me, Memorial Day will always be the day of excruciating heat, sitting across from one another at a booth eating cheese fries, walking in the woods and asking questions about the far away future, watching Ace Ventura and paint balling and then taking a catnap because we couldn't really pay that much attention to paint balling, and then the night of me mentally beating myself for not screaming YES! when the chance first proposed itself. It is for those reasons, and those alone, that Memorial Day has held a special place in my mind, and heart, for a year now. Don't worry though, there will be no mental beatings on myself tonight ;-)

"Why don't you just tell me?" "Because you should just know ." There are some things, like it or not, that we are expected to know *snap* like that. No questions asked. No raising of eyebrows. No blinking. No thinking. No nothing. You're just suppose to know . It's not the greatest thing ever, to be expected to just know things, but should some things really have to be voiced? Mixed answers, I know. In some situations, yes, a reply is definitely needed, but in others.... you should just know.

I'm done with high school. Let me say it again for you: I'm done with high school. It's a weird feeling. Okay, maybe not that weird, but on our last day I don't think that my boyfriend and his friend could have gotten me out of the field house any faster, yet even in the back of my mind I think I thought it was weird. Don't I owe a good-bye to this place? A thanks maybe? Maybe even a few fuck yous? The answer is, I do - - To all of the above, actually. That building has seen a lot of me the past few years: Me unbelievably happy - -like Cloud Nine happy (have you ever wonder what's so special about Nine?); Me unbelievably pissed to the point that I actually felt my body temperature rise, my blood boil; Me lost and battered to the floor; And even me smacking some sense into myself to say Get up off the damn floor, Kozak . I don't think it's sunk in yet - -at least not fully. I realize that I'm done, and I am grateful, but I'm not quite read

There is always one thing that you can never quite let go. You might tell yourself that you're fine with this one thing, that you've come to terms with it, but it's still buried somewhere in the back of your mind. Chances are it's buried underneath the laundry, dinner, reading, and essay that you have to write before you can even begin to think about the mess tomorrow is going to bring, but it's there. Yes, it's there, and it's slowly itching its way to the top of your mental list. There's a little thing that's been itching at me lately. I could have sworn that I was okay with it, or as okay as I was going to get with it, but it was brought up again the other night. I lashed out through my words (elsewhere though), and I felt good - -better. But then I reread that thing the other night and I couldn't help but think: I'm a horrible person. I didn't know I could be that hateful, that I could be that wrong about... well, everything.

Life gets a little insane sometimes, this is a fact. And in my experience, it just so happens that all of the madness comes at once. IE the month of February. (Oh, silly February.) It took me a while to realize (or at least admit to) the reasons why I dislike the month so much. There are reasons, yes, very good ones too, mind you. There are secrets in February. There are tears in February. And despite how much I may have tried to fight it, there is also love in February (and I mean love beyond the love that shows up on the 14th of the month). I am lucky to have certain individuals in my life. The people who let me complain about my loathsome feelings toward February. The people who know me a little more than I know myself and will show up just to say "Hello. I love you." I like those people. They make me wonder about February sometimes. It's still not my favorite month by any stretch, but at least those people make it a little bit sweeter. So I'm upgra

And then she realized, "Oh yes, I am in love."

I heard a ghost of your voice Long after you had left the room Couldn't quite make out the words But the laugh was unmistakably you How will I ever get the sound Of you out of my head? I guess that I should only be... So lucky And I saw my shadow next to yours Slowly fade away And I saw my shadow next to yours Just fade away We had this conversation So many times before And I know that you are tired Of the same questions but maybe If I keep asking them The sounds from your mouth Will form words that I want to hear And I saw my shadow next to yours Slowly fade away And I saw my shadow next to yours Just fade away - The Submarines

As Ann wandered around her restaurant, she was relieved to see people smiling and laughing, holding their never ending drinks in their hand. If nothing else, she figured she could always make the income by the bar. “Ann.” She turned at the sound of her name. Shaking hands was a necessity at her opening, but she was tiring of the same action and conversation as every prosperous person in town introduced themselves individually. When she saw who was waiting for her though her hand fell back to her side and she attempted a shaky smile. “Jason…” “Look, Ann, I know that this is the last place you want to see me. I mean, your premiere… Wow. I always knew you said you wanted your own restaurant… And the Sapphire -” “Red Sapphire,” she corrected him. His cheeks reddened slightly, but he gave a small smile. “Of course. You said that that’s what you wanted to name it. Your birthstone and your favorite color… I have to admit,” he looked around, “it looks like a success.” “Thanks.” A sho

I have always been a forgiver, it's simply a part of who I am. You do something bad, you're forgiven, here's your second or third or fourth or whatever number chance you are on with me. I forgive . I forgive, but I don't forget - -no matter how hard I may try to. I realized this today more so than I have any other time in my past. I forgive a lot of people, admittedly some people who probably don't deserve to be forgiven, but I still do it. Today though, I wondered if I even managed forgiveness with a certain individual. Now let me clarify that this individual technically never did anything purposefully directed to me, and yet, I feel that I need to forgive them. The only problem is, I realized that I haven't forgiven this person. Worse yet, I realized that I will likely never forgive them. And I tried to make myself believe otherwise, I tried to smile in this individual's general direction, I tried to avoid it even, and yet my smile manged to fal

In 2006, I gained a more understanding and forgiveful mind. I realized that there are some things that I can’t change or control but life will go on; and I guess if it doesn’t kill you, it will at least make you more prepared for the next time. I lost myself for a while… But don’t worry, because I refound myself, and it turned out okay in the end. I stopped being friends with people who didn’t know a single thing about who I really am. I started listening to that not-so-silly thing called my heart more than my head. I was hugely satisfied by my ability to open up to people during the tough times. It wasn’t pretty, but it was something that I needed to do and I have had a lot of trust issues in the past, but I’m (slowly) overcoming them. And frustrated by allowing myself to be mad/angry/sad/confused/lost for longer than I should have allowed myself. I am so embarrassed that I collapsed at your doorstep that one very horrible night…. Once again, I called someone some not-nice nam