A Reminder

Because this is the New Year.

Goodbye 2011, I can't say I'll miss you.

In 2011, I gained a bachelor's degree in elementary education, with a minor in history (and the shit load of debt that came with it).

I lost an old friend.

I stopped trying to gain his approval.

I started looking for a job in the "real world."

I was hugely satisfied by finishing my first NaNo event, especially since I was so far behind. Woot!

And frustrated by the idiocy that I too often deal with at work.

I am so embarrassed that I was caught singing at work.

Once again, I rocked the casbah (and failed at blogging).

Once again, I did not laugh enough.

The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is my guns. LOL.

The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is my hope, or lack thereof.

I loved spending time jumping on the trampoline with two of my three favorite guys.

Why did I spend even two minutes thinking that things could be different?

I should have spent more time in Georgia.

I regret buying the e-reader that I never use. (Maybe this year?)

I will never regret buying that glass tabletop even though with that money I could have bought much needed new clothes.

I cried way too much.

I didn't dream enough.

My work drove me crazy.

Was my schedule crazier than ever last year? Or was it me?

The most relaxing place I went was the ocean!

I feel so excited when I write that down.

Why did I go to your house that one night?

The best thing I did for someone else was forget him.

The best thing I did for myself was make some new (realistic) and well intentioned goals for the new year.

The best thing someone did for me was tell me he was proud of me.

The one thing I'd like to do again, but do it better, is us.

Happy Birthday

She rounded the corner to her apartment, exhausted from a day's work but thankful for the quiet that the weekend promised. As she neared her door, an outline of a figure became clear, and she felt a smile begin to cross her lips.

He was leaning against her door, one hand behind his back, the other hanging casually by his side. He was dressed in his usual attire, the only addition being a leather jacket to shield him from the cool night air.

"I hope you don't mind," he began as she drew closer, "but I let myself in with the pizza guy."

"Gotta love those pizza guys." She smiled and dropped her bag at his feet. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

He slowly brought his hand to his front and lifted it to her eye level. A tower of purple frosting topped a cupcake, a single yellow candle sticking out of the top.

"For me?"

Without a word, he lit the candle with a lighter he pulled from his pocket and whispered, "Happy birthday, baby."

She smiled a crooked smile and with a single breath blew the flame out.

Ditto.

Pregnant

The word flashed in her mind and she felt the sudden urge to be sick. Was this really happening to her? After all this time, all of the things she had believed about him.... about them.

"Meagan?" He reached out to touch her arm and she instinctively stepped back.

"Don't touch me." It came out as a hiss. "You got her pregnant?" It left her mouth as a question, though she was already painfully aware of the answer. "Nineteen years old. Barely out of high school and you....." She tried to shut down the images forming in her mind but they flooded into her thoughts. "Three years, Matthew." She felt her voice begin to shake, but the anger slipped through her lips. "Three years of lies. Of you swearing to me that you had told me everything there was to know about the things you had done. The drugs. The abuse. The cheating. We managed to work through it all. But this.... After how hard I fought for you - with you - - I can't handle this."

"Meagan it wasn't - -"

"It doesn't matter how it was, Matthew. The fact is that it was, and no amount of talking will change that."

She took her coat off the chair beside her and without another word was gone.

Sometimes I'm not sure I deserve to be (forgiven).