I’m being honest.

I don’t have the right to write this, but it’s any and all final thoughts I have about this particular situation in a definite jumbled mess.
Continue on at your own risk.

I miss you. You’re a fucking idiot if you don’t know that, but I also have to call myself a fucking idiot for still thinking about you on occasion.
Now a part of me hopes that you’ll read this and that you’ll feel guilty about what happened. The other part of me hopes you don’t read this and that you don’t spend one second of the rest of your life thinking about me. [Do you think about me? I don’t have the right to ask you that, but it’s a question that’s crossed my mind times before. You don’t have to answer me, you could if you want, but you don’t have to.]
My feelings are this: Through all of this, past and present, I wish that I could slash your name... Wish I could call you horrible names, bad mouth you to your friends, bad mouth you to everyone… But I can’t… Because I know it’s not true. Because despite it all you’re still a nice guy. Why are you still a nice guy?
And it’s more than plausible that you were being selfish with all of this. More than plausible… Or maybe it wasn’t feasible at all…
And I don’t know what it is, the reason why I can’t hate you, can’t do all of the things I’ve thought of doing, why I am incapable of being full-heartedly mad at you for just one moment. A real moment where all I feel is built-up hostility toward you, one moment where my feelings would be completely justified, but I’m denied such justice!
And I want to yell at you for not being able to do any of this in person, for not being able to show me this supposed hurt you felt that night. I want to shout liar at you for not being honest with me. I want to scream at you because you don’t know the pain that I went through. I want to demand to know how your friends are allowed to call me “bitchy” when I didn’t do a damn thing to deserve it.
And I’m not trying to start a fight. If you’re happy, if you finally know what you want and you have it, then I am so unbelievably happy for you. And if you read this, you will scoff slightly and think Wow, that’s a lie. But the funny thing is, it isn’t a lie. I never wanted you to be unhappy, and I never once lied to you… Then or now. But if you’re set on thinking otherwise, I can’t make you change your mind. Instead, all I can say is that I don’t hate you. I don’t hate her. I don’t hate any single one of your friends.
And I remember that you had me promise that we would be friends... I honestly don’t see that happening though. I don’t get the feeling you want it to happen. I feel like I was trying, trying to make an effort despite all of the above that had been going through my head, while you were unscathed by it. “I’d rather have you as a friend than nothing at all.” That’s what you said to me. Maybe it still burns a little, I can tell you for a fact that it does, otherwise I wouldn’t have written this. But if you want to be friends, then you have to show me. I don’t know how you can show me, and I don’t know how you can show me that you didn’t lie if you still take that plea. Maybe this is one of those things that will reveal itself in time, I don’t know. I can’t tell you anything except for that this is mostly in your hands.
And I don’t want to put you in a situation either. That wasn’t my plan, and if you somehow get into one, I apologize in advance. I didn’t mean to throw this all on you. This was simply me, saying what I needed to say, and now I’m done.