Blank Sheet of Paper

A Reminder

2012-01-09T08:09:00.001-06:00

Because this is the New Year.

Goodbye 2011, I can't say I'll miss you.

2012-01-06T09:27:00.004-06:00

In 2011, I gained a bachelor's degree in elementary education, with a minor in history (and the shit load of debt that came with it).

I lost an old friend.

I stopped trying to gain his approval.

I started looking for a job in the "real world."

I was hugely satisfied by finishing my first NaNo event, especially since I was so far behind. Woot!

And frustrated by the idiocy that I too often deal with at work.

I am so embarrassed that I was caught singing at work.

Once again, I rocked the casbah (and failed at blogging).

Once again, I did not laugh enough.

The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is my guns. LOL.

The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is my hope, or lack thereof.

I loved spending time jumping on the trampoline with two of my three favorite guys.

Why did I spend even two minutes thinking that things could be different?

I should have spent more time in Georgia.

I regret buying the e-reader that I never use. (Maybe this year?)

I will never regret buying that glass tabletop even though with that money I could have bought much needed new clothes.

I cried way too much.

I didn't dream enough.

My work drove me crazy.

Was my schedule crazier than ever last year? Or was it me?

The most relaxing place I went was the ocean!

I feel so excited when I write that down.

Why did I go to your house that one night?

The best thing I did for someone else was forget him.

The best thing I did for myself was make some new (realistic) and well intentioned goals for the new year.

The best thing someone did for me was tell me he was proud of me.

The one thing I'd like to do again, but do it better, is us.

2011-11-06T11:00:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday

2011-09-18T02:02:00.000-05:00

She rounded the corner to her apartment, exhausted from a day's work but thankful for the quiet that the weekend promised. As she neared her door, an outline of a figure became clear, and she felt a smile begin to cross her lips.

He was leaning against her door, one hand behind his back, the other hanging casually by his side. He was dressed in his usual attire, the only addition being a leather jacket to shield him from the cool night air.

"I hope you don't mind," he began as she drew closer, "but I let myself in with the pizza guy."

"Gotta love those pizza guys." She smiled and dropped her bag at his feet. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

He slowly brought his hand to his front and lifted it to her eye level. A tower of purple frosting topped a cupcake, a single yellow candle sticking out of the top.

"For me?"

Without a word, he lit the candle with a lighter he pulled from his pocket and whispered, "Happy birthday, baby."

She smiled a crooked smile and with a single breath blew the flame out.

Ditto.

2011-09-11T09:15:00.002-05:00

Pregnant

2011-09-07T16:47:00.003-05:00

The word flashed in her mind and she felt the sudden urge to be sick. Was this really happening to her? After all this time, all of the things she had believed about him.... about them.

"Meagan?" He reached out to touch her arm and she instinctively stepped back.

"Don't touch me." It came out as a hiss. "You got her pregnant?" It left her mouth as a question, though she was already painfully aware of the answer. "Nineteen years old. Barely out of high school and you....." She tried to shut down the images forming in her mind but they flooded into her thoughts. "Three years, Matthew." She felt her voice begin to shake, but the anger slipped through her lips. "Three years of lies. Of you swearing to me that you had told me everything there was to know about the things you had done. The drugs. The abuse. The cheating. We managed to work through it all. But this.... After how hard I fought for you - with you - - I can't handle this."

"Meagan it wasn't - -"

"It doesn't matter how it was, Matthew. The fact is that it was, and no amount of talking will change that."

She took her coat off the chair beside her and without another word was gone.

Sometimes I'm not sure I deserve to be (forgiven).

2011-09-04T17:50:00.003-05:00

Writing Challenge Post.

2010-07-31T23:03:00.001-05:00

Read it here or below.

“How long have you been in love with my son?”

She was left with her mouth hanging open, unable to form words in attempt to answer the question. “I… I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”

Mrs. Anderson laughed warmly. “You may be able to fool my son, Annabelle, but you can’t fool me. I see the way that you look at him when you think no one is watching.”

A slight pink crossed Annabelle’s cheeks and she turned her head in hopes to conceal the change.

“So…?” Mrs. Anderson began again. “I know that you two have been friends a long time, had your rough patches.” She tilted her head slightly to meet Annabelle’s eyes. “When I think about it, you’ve probably been the steadiest person in his life. You’ve been more of an influence in his life than I have been at times.”

“Mrs. Anderson, it isn’t - -“

She held up her hand, silencing Annabelle midsentence. “I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. Quite the contrary, in fact.” She paused for a moment. “You’ve been good for him. Good to him.”

“Entering the room!” a masculine voice announced from the hall, and a second later he came into view, a grin spread across his face. “Can we please stop talking about me now?”

His mother playfully smacked his head as he threw himself down on the couch next to Annabelle. “Well at least now I know you really were talking about me,” he said with a smirk. “Anything good I need to be let in on?”

Mrs. Anderson shook her head. “You two kids have fun,” she said as she got up to leave the room. In the doorway she paused for a moment though, turning her head back to the two. “And Annabelle, don’t wait too long to tell him, okay?” She gave her a small smile, and continued down the hallway.

"What was that about?” he asked, turning his head to Annabelle.

Her reply was a smile as she linked her arm with his. “Girl stuff,” she answered. “Nothing you would be interested in.”

Sunday's PostSecret

2010-07-18T10:46:00.003-05:00

Plain, simple, cute, and a little mushy.

Sunday's Secret

2010-07-18T10:41:00.000-05:00

That brief series of short stories I wrote.... Totally about you.

Almost

2010-05-31T15:40:00.002-05:00

I almost made it all of May without posting one little thing on here, but, alas, I decided, why not? I don't hate May all of that much (it's certainly not February), so why should I be so mean to it?
So, here you go, May. Your own little post, all for you. I hope you're happy now.

Gone.

2010-04-30T09:16:00.004-05:00

She sat on the front porch watching the rain steadily pour from the early morning sky. There was something comforting about this time of the morning, just before the rest of the world woke up, that she was able to imagine the rest of her life.

She saw herself sitting in the same place, but it was summer and the sky was bright. Not long after a dog barked in the distance did a small dog come running out of the house, followed by the sound of two more steady, distinct footsteps. He came walking through the door, a smiling, babbling three year old atop his shoulders. In one effortless motion he scooped the boy from his shoulders and placed him on the porch where he happily chased the puppy into the yard. He sat on the step beside her and pulled her close to him as he kissed her forehead. “Brand new day,” he said, a hint of nostalgia in his voice, and she smiled. It was a brand new day, and it was going to be one for the books.

“Am I interrupting?”

She was brought back to the rainy morning, suddenly embarrassed by the images in her head. How had she missed the footsteps that she had longed to hear in her home for so long? “Not at all.”

He sat next to her and smiled. “I remember that look. What were you thinking about?”

She felt her cheeks turn slightly more pink, which instantly stretched his smile. “That good, huh?”

Of course it was good. She had only waited two years for him to be here, not to mention the countless years when they were younger. All of that time, wasted, but happily so, and this is where they had finally ended up.

He let out a heavy sigh as he stretched his arms above his head and then out to the sides. “I guess I should get back to town. Sarah will probably freak if I’m not around when she gets up.”

She nodded, for fear her words would reveal too much.

He stole a kiss and was halfway across the yard before she noticed his warmth beside her had disappeared. The car door opened, but he paused momentarily before getting inside. “Did I mention how much I like this place?” he asked. And as he caught her smile from across the yard he ducked inside, the engine roaring to life, and he was gone.

The Verdict.

2010-03-21T11:41:00.010-05:00

She pulled the petals off one by one, reciting the old adage in her head.

He loves me…

Three left.

He loves me not…

Two left.

He loves me…

One left.

A pair of arms wrapped around her from behind and she felt a kiss on her cheek. “So what’s the verdict?” he whispered.

She tilted her head back and smiled up at him. “Happy ending as always,” she replied.

And she let the last petal fall to the ground.

Hello, March!

2010-03-01T09:55:00.004-06:00

And good-bye to terrible old February.
Today marks the beginning of a much better start.

P.S. Happy Casimir Pulaski Day!

Let the countdown begin!

2010-02-24T01:48:00.004-06:00

9 more days until DC.
4 more days until this bittersweet month is over.
2 more school days until spring break.

CAN.NOT.WAIT.

Happy New Year!

2010-02-14T10:43:00.002-06:00

Chinese New Year, that is!

To all of my Tiger friends and family, may this year bring you the best of everything!

Beautiful

2010-01-22T14:13:00.007-06:00

When I first walked into the store, it grabbed me with its vibrance. But then I though: Me? With a yellow purse? Am I crazy?
The obvious answer is yes, I am crazy, so of course I bought it, and now it's one of my newest favorite things. How could it not be? A lovely bright color attached to me whenever I go out, and especially with all of this madness going on around me how could I possibly overlook all the possibilities that it represents?

This pretty much says it all

2010-01-19T08:55:00.001-06:00

My Take on Your “I Don’t Know” Attitude

2010-01-16T23:45:00.003-06:00

You DO know!

Now this may seem mean - -I mean, my god, if you actually heard me saying this, it would be the closest you have ever come to hear me yell - -but I honestly think that you do know. And if you really don’t know, at least not for certain, you do at least have a pretty good idea. And I don’t know if you’re trying to spare my feelings if the answer is what I think it may be, but suck it up. We’re both adults, we’ve both been in this boat, so just tell me.

Strange but Interesting

2010-01-12T16:21:00.003-06:00

These are the ants that Sister #3 got Nephew #1 for Christmas.
They're actually pretty cool to watch, but scary at the same time because you know that one of these days they're going to lift that lid off and run all over the place.

Truth:

2010-01-07T12:01:00.005-06:00

I would play in the snow all day today if I didn't have to work.

New Year Resolutions

2010-01-03T10:49:00.010-06:00

Okay, okay, so I know I'm a few days late, but give me a break. I do have a life.

Be nicer to my electronics.
This includes, but is not limited to: my new laptop, my cell phone, and my iPod.*
Take more pictures.
Do I need to be any more specific?
Write more.
In order to enforce this, I am mandating at least a twenty minute write period every morning before my classes.
Road trips.
I’m thinking a weekend at the Rock’n’Roll Hall of Fame, and a weekend at my sister’s in DC. And that’s just over my spring and Easter break!
Organize my life.
Not in the crazy ‘This Is How It Has To Be’ way, but in a general ‘Hey, I Know Where This Is Going’ way.
Be more honest.
With you. With myself. It actually may not be the best/smartest thing to do, but I’m sure we’ll find out.
More music, more movies, more fun.

* I unfortunately broke part of this resolution already. My phone took a dive of about four feet off the bar last night. Whoops!

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T10:21:00.001-06:00

See you in 2010!

2009-12-31T08:34:00.008-06:00

Good-bye 2009, Hello 2010!

In 2009, I gained trust and confidence in an unusual friendship.

I lost my mind.

I stopped worrying so much about the grades.

I started letting things work themselves out.

I was hugely satisfied by defeating my eighteen hour semester.

And frustrated by our timing.

I am so embarrassed that I didn't write anything (good) this year.

Once again, I wished for the impossible.

Once again, I did not talk to him as much as I should have.

The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is my hair. It's longer! And I have bangs now!

The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is my fear of the things that will come.

I loved spending time driving til we got lost and listening to great music as we did so.

Why did I spend even two minutes worrying about the consequences.

I should have spent more time at the movies.

I regret buying that white pimp hat. It does serve as a great decoration though.

I will never regret buying that amazing summer dress even though with that money I could have bought three tanks of gas.

I thought about the past too much. I should have been looking toward tomorrow.

I didn't laugh enough.

His girlfriend drove me crazy.

Was the homework crazier than ever last year? Or was it me?

The most relaxing place I went was around the neighborhood on that cool summer night.

I feel so spoiled when I write that down. I still can't believe you came.

Why did I go to that horrible lecture? Oh yeah, it was required, unfortunately for me.

The best thing I did for someone else was offer my support.

The best thing I did for myself was give myself permission to have some not-so-behaved fun.

The best thing someone did for me was tell me the truth, and that he was sorry about it.

The one thing I'd like to do again, but do it better, is summer. Could it have gotten any better, though?

I'm not sure what I think about this.

2009-12-18T12:49:00.004-06:00

Check out the article here.

and the postcard's gonna read:

2009-12-06T08:38:00.001-06:00

Dear History Paper:

2009-12-01T23:22:00.001-06:00

You can suck it.

Signed Sincerely,
me

Looks

2009-11-15T22:10:00.004-06:00

I don’t remember when I first noticed him looking at me. I don’t even remember seeming him, not until that fateful morning when my eyes stopped on him from across the counter. It became something more after that. Him turning his head after he had passed to smile at me. Me watching as he appeared and disappeared through the door at the end of the hallway. We never spoke during this time though, never verbally, but we spoke in other ways. Our eyes. The smile we wore that day. It should have never happened though, I would be the first to admit it. I was the new girl. He was the newly returned employee. But one night at closing we brushed by one another, turned our heads, and smiled. That night, our story began.

“You’re not sleeping with her, are you?”

2009-11-01T21:55:00.002-06:00

Jake nearly choked on his beer as he struggled to place the mug down on the bar table without spilling it. “Excuse me?”

“Oh god, that means yes.”

“Hey, it’s not like I was going to grab her and get it on right here.”

Jake and Kat had been friends since his first year of college when he met her at the video store where he worked part time. A handful of years later, both of them in their late twenties, they were long pass the awkward politeness of early friendship and were blunt about their thoughts with one another.

“What’s wrong with her?”

“Please, she is so not your type.”

The two sat at the bar of their favorite restaurant where they got together a couple nights a month to catch up on one another’s lives. Jake had moved on to work at a corporate center and Kat was a school teacher. The two joked about how much their lives had changed from their part time days and yet there were still the few things that hadn’t changed at all.

“Oh, sorry, what’s my type?”

“Not that.” Kat threw back the rest of her drink and set the glass back down. “She’s so… young.”

Young was one of their code words that could mean anything from ignorant to just plain pitiful. Kat had a particular meaning in mind this time.

“How long have you been….?”

“Dating?” he interjected. “Yes, we actually have been dating, Kat.”

When they had first met, Kat had pinned Jake for a player, a guy with a ‘screw em and leave em’ attitude. It hadn’t taken her long to change her mind though and although he had his faults he had always tried to make things right when he thought it could work.

“I am aware. So?”

“A few months.”

If she had been pouring her next drink, it would have spilled over. “What?”

Eight months, that had been the longest relationship Jake had been in since he had known Kat. It ended in a disaster, and since then he hadn’t stayed with anyone much longer than a month. Not until now.

“She may not be perfect, but… we seem to work.”

“Seem to? You either do or you don’t, Jake.”

Jake threw a couple of bills on the bar and held out his hand to Kat. “Let’s take a walk.”

I must be ill

2009-10-18T22:14:00.001-05:00

I joined a gym today.
What!?!

AHEM

2009-10-06T22:53:00.002-05:00

I will love you forever if you buy me the new Post Secret book, so go out and buy it for me.

Dreams.

2009-09-04T23:07:00.003-05:00

I remember when I was younger, not so long ago, when I would have marvelous dreams with friends, family, people from school, and later even work, that when I awoke, I would think Wow, that was wonderful. And I would think, just for a moment, that maybe, maybe those people who were in my dream were having the same dream.
The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that the thought was rather ridiculous. Impossible. I'm sure in mythology there was some god that would look over your dreams, but I don't think he has much time to roam around Joliet to pick up the same people for his ride. And the sandman? Well, he's busy 24/7, and I don't think he's that picky about the sand he uses for each individual.
It's been a while since I've had one of those thoughts after a dream. Where I wondered, wished that the people I was dreaming of were having the same dream. But last night... It was a wow moment. And for once in a very, very long time, I wished that the sandman was a little more careful with his sand.

How old am I?

2009-08-30T13:23:00.001-05:00

I'm twenty years old. Twenty-one in only a few weeks, and yet, here I am, the day before classes, picking out my outfit and too restless to sleep.
Yep, some things never change.

Me, Too

2009-08-27T22:33:00.002-05:00

Things I Don't Like:

2009-08-24T00:30:00.003-05:00

writing essays
bad hair days
impolite smells
allergies
bad drivers
poor grammar
stupidity
overplayed songs
traffic
sleepless nights
ignorance
bad teeth
the price of higher education
road construction
bad movies
shopping carts in parking spots
indecision
laziness
mistreatment of beloved objects
the wrong words
writer's block
illness
unappreciated talent/skill
liars, cheaters, ungrateful bitches, and IBNABs in general
and at least several other things that I'm forgetting

I wish I had my camera

2009-08-03T11:39:00.000-05:00

I saw two of the greatest scenes this weekend.

(1) Friday afternoon, cruising down Essington, I saw a boy, I would say middle school age, walking, listening to music on his iPod, and reading. Not just reading any reading material though, reading a book. A book! A real book, with a spine, with length to it! *sigh* This little boy gave me hope.

(2) Sunday night/Monday morning, around midnight. Pulling into my neighborhood, I see a guy, I would say mid twenties, sitting on his motorcycle in the car wash parking lot, texting on his cell phone. I don't know what it was about the picture, but it was something all the same.

I wish I had had my camera.

Thank-You

2009-07-26T11:34:00.003-05:00

Minus a couple of details here and there, yes, these are my thoughts, exactly.

Isn't she pretty?

2009-07-18T19:31:00.004-05:00

Her name is Sally, and she's great.
However, she's just out of my grasp.
Ugh.

The Challenge is Back!

2009-07-06T10:46:00.002-05:00

So I completed my first official summer writing piece for my other sisterly blog. You can check out my piece here, or just read it below.

The "L" Word

He looked so small as he kneeled in front of her apartment. It was something she wasn’t use to, him looking small. His hair had grown just beyond its normal length, hanging just over his forehead, blowing slightly in the night wind. His face was illuminated by the nearby streetlamp, and he looked like a young boy, eager for Christmas morning.

If you had asked her a year ago, this is what she would have told you she wanted. Still, six months ago, all she wanted was promises, the promise, a ring on her finger and the rest of her future set. Tonight, at this moment however, she felt like she was going to be sick.

He pulled the small cherry wood box from out of his jacket pocket, and she struggled to swallow. The box opened slowly, revealing a rather large round diamond ring with two smaller stones on each side, and she closed her eyes, wishing she was anywhere other than where she was.

“Isabella Christianson,” he began.

She opened her eyes, unfortunately finding herself still standing outside her building. As he reached to take her hand, she took a small step backward. “Christopher,” she interrupted, but it didn’t seem to phase him.

“Isabella, I know that things have been difficult these past few months. I’ve been working longer hours than I have in the past, traveling nearly every weekend, and I know that I haven’t always been there lately when you needed me to, but we’ve worked through it, Iz. We’ve been together a long time, gone through so many challenges, but here we are, still together, and I think that that honestly means something.” He tried to take her hand once more, but this time her body did not receive the message from her brain that said ‘don’t’. “Miss Christianson, you are the love of my life, and it would honor me beyond any expression that I am capable of expressing if you would spend the rest of your life with me.”

She almost choked, though she wasn’t sure if it was because of the tears forming in the corners of her eyes or her saliva that wouldn’t go down. “Christopher,” she tried again.

“Isabel.” There was a longing in his eyes that she had never seen before. He was trying to save them.

She shook her head, wishing it was a dream. “I can’t.” It came out just above a whisper.

He was immediately up on his feet, box still in hand, not more than a foot away from her. “We don’t have to get married right away,” he said, touching her face. “We can wait. I know that you’ve always wanted to plan - -”

“No, Chris.” She closed her eyes once again, trying to get the look on his face out of her mind. “I can’t marry you.”

His hands were gone from her. The red box magically closed and tucked back away in his jacket. “I don’t understand….”

“Chris, let me explain - -”

He held up his hand, silencing her. For a moment they stood there in the dim light of the streetlamp, avoiding eye contact, not saying a word. Then, without warning, without any mutter of words, he turned and leaped into his convertible. The engine roared to life and he sped away from the curb. Down the street, he took the first turn at an alarming speed, nearly losing control, but regained his direction quickly. He flipped the radio on and up, filling the night air with rock music. In that instance, he didn’t see the delivery truck pulling out from the ally.

Warning: Unstable Characters

2009-06-19T15:19:00.004-05:00

Meet Rachel. She's twenty-one, has emerald green eyes and dark brown hair that falls several inches below her shoulders, stands at about five feet, six inches and drives a Jeep.
Now meet Jacob. He's twenty-three, has jet black hair, bright blue eyes, is just over six feet tall and drives a Mustang soft top convertible.

Other than this, I don't know anything about these people. They might go to a University somewhere in the middle of a cornfield or in the middle of a large city, in which case, if this is true, Rachel would be in her third year and Jacob would be in grad school, or maybe he's done with school all together. Maybe Rachel works nights and weekends at a local bar/tavern, and this is where she and Jacob meet for the first or last time. Maybe they've know each other a long time, and work at the same location, secretly fighting crime. Honestly, I do not know. Maybe they do this, maybe they do that. They might be here or they might be there.
Blah. I'm blocked and officially taking suggestions to help me figure out who these people are.

On a lighter note

2009-06-16T21:21:00.002-05:00

This is my favorite commercial. (Yes, still.) Whoever thought of it was a genius. Mad props, man. Mad props.

According to Taylor Swift:

2009-06-05T08:09:00.003-05:00

When you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them.

This is horrible news because I'm nearly twenty-one and I am likely to believe them as well.

Book v Movie

2009-06-02T12:22:00.002-05:00

Which is better? The book, or the movie?
For me, well, I'm normally a fan of the book over the movie. For example, the Harry Potter movies? There are some great scenes from the books that the movies cut, and, well, that's just wrong, whereas there are other scenes that the movies destroy completely, again, sad. Twilight? Similar story, but then again, the movie emphasizes some things from the book really well. Bridges of Madison County? Don't get me wrong, show me the scene of Clint Eastwood standing in the rain, and I will cry right there, but.... book wins, sorry Clint. Angels and Demons though... well.... I may actually like the movie better. *GASP* I know, right? But I saw the movie before I read the book, and I think that's what did it. I like what goes on with the cardinals more in the movie (the water one is much different), but at the same time, the bad guy in the book is way more of a bad ass, which is great. There were a couple of other things from the book that I liked more as well, the crazy little twist with the pope at the end was pretty great, I'm not going to lie, but the cardinal in the water.... ooh.... I'm a sucker for happier moments, what can I say? I think the movie might win, but, from now on... I'm definitely going to keep up with reading of the book before I see it in the theater.

There's something about Charlie......

2009-05-31T01:30:00.002-05:00

2009-05-25T17:53:00.001-05:00

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

I PASSED!!!

2009-05-22T14:29:00.005-05:00

Okay, so this isn't really necessary, but I am soooooo excited!!

Test: 110 Elementary/Middle Grades

Total Score: 281	Minimum Passing Score: 240	Status: Pass

NUMBER OF ITEMS	SUBAREA NAME	SUBAREA SCORE

21 to 30	Language Arts and Literacy	280

11 to 20	Mathematics	275

11 to 20	Science	275

21 to 30	Social Sciences	280

11 to 20	The Arts, Health, and Physical Education	292

	SCALED TOTAL TEST SCORE	281

I am....

2009-05-22T12:23:00.004-05:00

Baking delicious things.

Cupcakes. Cookies. Cobbler. And yes, the list goes on.

You know your mouth is watering :-)

I'm working on a postcard.

2009-05-03T22:01:00.003-05:00

I should be working on my science final, but I'm beginning to think that this is more important.

This just in:

2009-04-14T00:03:00.003-05:00

I wrote in my journal tonight. Just now. It's been a long time. A very, very long time. I'm quite proud of myself. Putting my thoughts down on paper was a nice change.
And sure, it may have been a sting of vulgarities, but that's completely besides the point.

:-)

2009-04-05T01:36:00.000-05:00

Making Some Change

2009-04-04T09:06:00.002-05:00

I've decided that I'm going to be a Change Maker this year for Eric & Kathy's 36 hour radiothon for Children's Memorial Hospital.

Would you like to be one with me?

If you check out the second link, you'll learn that the radiothon isn't until early September, but why wait? It's for a great cause, and if our own little ones haven't had a few scares, we certain know someone who has. So, instead of just tossing our change into a container, why not do something else with it that will make us a part of something bigger?

These are a few of my favorite things

2009-03-31T01:25:00.002-05:00

Two very different, yet never fading memories. I don't know what brought them to mind tonight, but I know I won't be able to sleep until I write them down.

June 2006, Friday: In front of my house, against your dad's truck. We were making small talk about something, though what I don't quite remember. Maybe the game we just watched, or maybe pretending we weren't going to see one another the next night. It had been a handful of days already, and it had almost happened so many times before, but never all the way. I had just glanced up at something in they sky, maybe a plane overhead or just a star to make my wish, and when I looked back you had already pulled me closer. You kissed me for the first time in the moment after that. And I remember, after you left, going inside and leaning against my front door in a daze, letting it hold me up just like it happens in the movies after something like that happens. ....It may have been the first time I fell in love with you.

August 2008, Saturday: I had just walked through the doors at your work when it seemed just on schedule that you came around the corner. You spotted me, smiled, and stopped as I made my way over. I don't even remember if we exchanged a "hey" but you grabbed me up in a hug, spun me around, set me back where I first stood, and we smiled. It was great. It was perfect. All of the bullshit, all of the lies and confusion from the past were gone in that moment, and you were the best friend that I had one year earlier.

secrets, secrets

2009-02-23T19:01:00.002-06:00

Don't worry, I do.

Why I'm not a math major

2009-02-01T01:24:00.001-06:00

Because in my head, I actually know that 25,000 x 4 =100,000.
But instead, I like to pretend that it equals 250,000.
Oh-well.

Why I Hate Taxes

2009-01-30T13:10:00.004-06:00

How much do I dish out for school a year? Huh? Huh? Do you know?
$22,000.00 - -that's how much.
I dish out nearly a quarter of a million, quarter of a million, dollars a year, and what does the government give me back for that sweet ass payment?
$294.00

Suck ass.

2009-01-07T13:28:00.004-06:00

"I'm through dating."
She almost spit out her coffee. "Excuse me?"
"I'm done dating." He took a drink. "Unless the girl takes my breath away. That's the only exception."
She raised her eyes in a disbelieving look. "Setting your sights a little high there, aren't you, Daniel?"
"Are you saying I'm not worth it?"
She shook her head. "On the contrary. I've always told you that you could do a lot better than some of the bimbos that you've dated." She smiled slightly to his reaction at her word choice. "Just remember that my brutal honesty is just one of the many qualities I possess that make our friendship so fulfilling."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," he muttered. "You know, we can't all be perfect like you, Liz."
"Aw, you think I'm perfect?" She batted her eyelashes. "Did I take your breath away two years ago too?"
He laughed. "That, my dear friend, is my little secret."

Happy Birthday

2009-01-06T00:28:00.002-06:00

Two years ago, you and I were making plans to party hop on new years eve and do something ridiculous to celebrate your birthday.
This year, you and I haven't seen one another outside of work for nearly six months and I'm not sure when I'll see you again.
It's not fair that we grew up so much and so far apart in those two years, but I'm going to wish you a happy birthday anyway.
You're still the coolest kid on the block ;-)

Lose, Lose.

2009-01-04T01:22:00.004-06:00

If I say no,

then I'm the bitchy, untrusting girlfriend.

But if I say yes,

then I'm just condoning the bad behavior.

Going, going, gone!

2008-12-31T10:05:00.002-06:00

In 2008, I gained quite a few more pregnant and engaged acquaintances from high school.

I lost a little confidence in something that I was once so sure of.

I stopped writing in my journal half way through the year.

I started being a bit more honest with myself.

I was hugely satisfied by his announcement that he was trying to go back to school.

And frustrated by his lack of confidence in other areas of his life.

I am so embarrassed that I sang with him in the car that one day.

Once again, I got excited for something that didn’t happen.

Once again, I did not finish the story.

The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is my smile. I think it disappeared for a while this past year.

The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is my outlook for the future.

I loved spending time laying in the sun over summer.

Why did I spend even two minutes thinking that he would have remembered that?

I should have spent more time laughing.

I regret buying that television on a near-monthly basis.

I will never regret buying three new pairs of shoes even though with that money I could have bought his Christmas present in cash.

I expected way too much.

I didn't fight back enough.

The parties drove me crazy.

Were the scandals crazier than ever last year? Or was it me?

The most relaxing place I went was the river.

I feel so peaceful when I write that down.

Why did I go to your party that night when I knew it would turn out messy?

The best thing I did for someone else was let him go.

The best thing I did for myself was trust that it would work out.

The best thing someone did for me was give me the biggest hug ever in the middle of his work.

The one thing I'd like to do again, but do it better, is love.

For You.

2008-12-31T01:43:00.002-06:00

I think it's because I thought about you today at work. Because I told a story about you. Because while I did all of this, I was smiling. I didn't get mad. I didn't get teary. I smiled. I missed those times a little, sure, I always will while I'm there, but I smiled, and I meant it, and I'm glad you're happy.
Happy New Year.

There must be a reason
We first got together
There must have been a reason
We used to talk forever
It's hard to see now
Cause it's easier to think of what went wrong

I could keep pointin' fingers
I could stay mad as hell
Just let my anger linger
But as far as I can tell
I've just got to let it go
If I wanna move on

So I'll think about how you made me laugh
Not think about how you made me cry
Think about how we both swore
We'd love each other 'till we died
Forget about who's to blame
Just remember your smilin' face
Well it's a choice I've had to make
So I'll think about you that way

Seems like I paint you now
In colors of forgiveness
I lost the pain somehow
And in it's place there is this
Part of me that sees you in the light
I saw you in before

So I'll think about how you made me laugh
Not think about how you made me cry
Think about how we both swore we'd love each other till we died
Forget about who's to blame
Just remember your smilin' face
Well it's a choice I've had to make
So I'll think of you that way

So I'll think about how you made me laugh
Not think about how you made me cry
Think about how we both swore
We'd love each other till we died
Forget about who's to blame
Just remember your smilin' face
Well it's a choice I've had to make (choice I've had to make)
Well it's a choice I've had to make
So I'll think of you that way
Yeah I'll think of you that way
I'll think of you that way

New Year Resolutions

2008-12-18T23:05:00.003-06:00

I'm most DEFINITELY ready for 2008 to be over and for 2009 to begin!

1. Make 2009 better than 2008. (Duh, of course, we all want to make our lives better.)
2. Don't work any more than is absolutely necessary at my job. (But I'm sure a little more work and effort wouldn't kill me at school - -maybe.)
3. Attempt to go to church more often. (I've been playing with the idea on and off again, and I can't decided. Maybe if it goes well I'll make my confirmation eventually. I couldn't tell you though. With this one it's a wait and see, and go from there.)
4. Go to at least 2 Cubs games. (Woo-hoo!)
5. Lay out in the sun this summer. (Take a road trip or something too. Nothing too crazy, but just take a long weekend and GO.)
6. Read and write for myself more.
7. Work on that whole "communication" thing.
8. Work out more. Or actually start. (I don't need to lose any weight or anything, but when spring break comes around and I say that I'm going to go running every morning, I actually want to do it.)
9. Have an AWESOME 21st birthday weekend.
10. TBD

Two more weeks and these suckers will be put into action!

I need cones.

2008-12-15T18:23:00.001-06:00

Reasons Why I Don’t Like You:

2008-12-04T00:05:00.001-06:00

1. You’re a slut
2. You’re an IBNAB
3. I don’t trust you
4. You lie to your friends
5. You’re a bad liar
6. You aren’t all that pretty
7. You’re an artist
8. You drive a stupid car
9. You go to the dumb school
10. You’re a stupid drunk
11. I’m pretty sure there’s a little piece of the devil in your eyes
12. I think you have borderline personality disorder
13. You’re one of those people who think your life is “so hard”
14. You have a lame job
15. Your favorite baseball team sucks
16. You remind me of her
17. You disregard other’s feelings
18. You don’t think before you act
19. You’re a cheater
20. You’re crazy - -not in a good way, either
21. That look you tossed the first time I met you
22. The way you said you knew him better than I did
23. The late night phone calls
24. You tried it
25. And the list goes on…..

Fin.

2008-12-03T13:14:00.000-06:00

With the exception of 1.5 people, I AM DONE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!
This has NEVER happened to me before!

I wish this was you....

2008-11-15T23:41:00.001-06:00

Tonight

2008-11-13T21:48:00.001-06:00

I really wish you would have answered your phone.

Only You

2008-11-10T19:08:00.004-06:00

I deleted you from my life yesterday. I took your numbers down off the board, made them into my secret, and mailed them in. I even deleted your name from my phone. Why, exactly I did these things, I couldn't tell you. Maybe I thought it was just time to move on. Maybe I was tired of waiting for the phone call that never came. And yet, that phone call came today. It always seems to come, right when I've given up on you.
"What? You don't say bye anymore when you leave?"
"What? You can't pick up a phone every now and again?" That's whatI should have replied with, but instead I went back in, and we ended up talking for probably twenty minutes. Yeah, I know, I shouldn't have stuck around that long, but what's done is done, and you've managed to sneak your way back into my life, yet again, because you're you, and you never run out of chances with me.
*sigh*
We made plans, you and I, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I don't think that you've missed me that much yet. I'll call you though, just like I said I would, and when you say such and such, I will smile, say okay, and tell you I will talk to you in two months. You'll say quit it, it will be before then, and then after some mindless chatter we will say our good-byes and hang up. - -Because that's what we do. It's the cycle of you and me, and perhaps one of the most constant things in my life, no matter how screwed up it seems to be.

Top 5 Names I Will NEVER Name My Daughter (First OR Middle Name):

2008-10-24T12:16:00.001-05:00

5. Anything that sounds horrendous
4. Donna
3. Kimberly
2. Tiffany
1. Ashley

Have I mentioned......

2008-10-22T16:01:00.001-05:00

That I cannot WAIT until this movie comes out!?!

Not a teenager anymore

2008-10-10T11:55:00.002-05:00

I think that at some point during my youth that I managed to convince myself that when I turned twenty my life would somehow become a little easier, less drama involved.
And now, I'm actually laughing as I type that.
I don't have that safety net anymore, the last resort excuse that, I'm a teenager, I'm suppose to be naive and (for lack of a better word) stupid.
Poof! Gone!
Now I actually have to think of why I do some of the things I do and what to do about this silly thing called the future.
Easier?
Less drama?
Yes, I'm still laughing.

Being Vulgar.

2008-10-04T00:26:00.001-05:00

Fuck You.

Just another reason why today has been a day from hell

2008-10-02T22:02:00.001-05:00

According to this, I'm more likely to get breast cancer than you are.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26954781/

Argh

2008-09-29T10:59:00.004-05:00

And no, I'm not a pirate.

He's being dumb. WHY is he being dumb? Because he knows it annoys me? Because he wants me to confront him about it so that he can give me that stupid little smirk of his? (I'm betting it's that last one.)
Argh.
So what am I going to do? I'm going to pull the classic "I'm so happy for you" skit and kill him with it.
What do you think about that?

I'm sorry, I have to say it

2008-09-28T11:07:00.006-05:00

First of all, I never took you as a "dating in the workplace" kinda guy. Okay, well, maybe this is kind of a lie, but, come on, give me a break, kid.
Second, and perhaps even more importantly, I honestly do not believe that she took your breath away. If she had, this would have happened much, much sooner.
So all of this (AKA my two reasons) begs the reason, WHY? Why are you doing this?
No offense, you usually have a good complaining series after it's done with about how all turned out to be a waste of your time (and I don't blame you, we all do this), and I don't want to doom this, really, I mean, maybe she's amazing and she's the one that you'll make it with, but if you don't make it, it will be even harder this time for me not to tell you 'I told you so'.
....Especially since you told yourself so first.

He says he wants a slut

2008-09-27T10:38:00.001-05:00

I hope you don't mind
I told him how you like it from behind

Thank you, Eminem, for putting that into words for me.

How I Know I'm Getting Old:

2008-09-17T12:13:00.001-05:00

My throat is hurting, and I'm willing to take bad tasting drops because they make it feel better.

Did You Know?

2008-09-12T23:31:00.000-05:00

Apparently, cute things can come from Indiana.....

For my birthday...

2008-09-09T23:39:00.002-05:00

There is actually one "gift" that I really want. Perhaps more than anything. More than that pony I've wanted since I was a kid. More than that dream sports car I've been wanting for a year or so. More than... like I said.... anything.
You wouldn't have to wrap it.
You wouldn't have to waste any extra time.
It wouldn't cost you much. Maybe it would even save you some money.
It's kind of a selfish gift, I know. Yet at the same time it's a much needed reminder.
My last real "gift" as a teenager. And one I know I won't get.

11.21.08

2008-09-07T08:21:00.001-05:00

A little lesson:

2008-09-05T00:05:00.002-05:00

When you can't breath properly through your nose because of allergies (or the change in weather, or a cold... who even knows at this point?) it is not smart to go ahead and read something that you know is going to make you teary eyed.

This just in:

2008-08-27T23:17:00.003-05:00

Thinking about you after 2am is inappropriate.
1am in debatable.
12am and earlier is completely acceptable.

There was actually a legitimate reason why I asked you that question.

2008-08-27T07:23:00.003-05:00

Two years ago, I went from school straight to work.
Currently, I'm going from school straight to work, more or less.
That is the connection I made and made me think about the question I asked you last night.
Of course, when you asked me, "Why are you thinking of that?" I probably should have explained this reason, not given you the answer that I did.
But, of course, what's done is done. And even though you probably think I'm a little crazy, well, there might be some truth behind that too.

Am I ready for this?

2008-08-25T13:30:00.007-05:00

I am inclined to say no, I am not ready for classes to be starting.

What was I thinking planning all of my classes on the same day? (Tuesdays and Thursdays.)
Better yet, what was I thinking planning my during-the-week work schedule for Tuesdays and Thursdays, too?

Oh yes, I vaguely recall thinking that two thirteen hour days would be better than driving to campus every day of the week for only a couple of hours. I mean, I guess it really isn't that bad if you think about it.....
And hey, on the upside, I'm already almost half way done with my online course first week assignment.

Maybe I can do this.

The next big affirmative defense

2008-08-19T11:48:00.001-05:00

The pill made me do it!

It's interesting, but I guess I wouldn't be all that surprised.

Let the countdown(s) begin!

2008-08-18T23:58:00.000-05:00

1 week..... Until classes start.

1 month..... Until my birthday.

4.5 months..... Until "D Day".

?.... Until THE day.

The One Thing I Hate About Flowers:

2008-08-14T11:33:00.004-05:00

Eventually, like everything else, they wither away to nothing.

Dear Secret Lover Who Is Neither A Secret Or A Lover:

2008-08-11T12:48:00.004-05:00

I'm sorry for jumping you in the manner I did the other day.

Signed Sincerely,
Me

P.S. Actually, I'm not sorry. I was really excited to see you ;-)

I feel like such a traitor

2008-08-07T11:48:00.002-05:00

...And for all the wrong reasons, too.

I worked, quite possibly, my last Wednesday at work yesterday. It almost makes me sad, remembering all the good Wednesdays from Christmas Past. Never again... And, sure, I'm probably exaggerating, okay, I know I'm exaggerating, but it was still a bittersweet good-bye, and those are the worse.

To show how behind I am:

2008-08-04T23:45:00.002-05:00

...According to the calendar on my door, it's June 13th.

you need me less than i need you.

2008-08-04T00:43:00.000-05:00

I think it's human nature to want to be needed. Just to know that someone wants you around, enjoys your company, and, not to mention, it's a nice feeling, knowing that you're wanted.
We all just want to be wanted, and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I guess it's just finding someone who wants you as much as you want them... That, is the challenge.

It means more than you think.....

2008-08-03T23:22:00.001-05:00

The Letter.

2008-07-27T11:54:00.004-05:00

Dear Jess:

Yeah, that's all I have too....

Writer's Block

2008-07-23T23:14:00.001-05:00

...It's a horrible disease.

technology hates me

2008-07-22T23:49:00.004-05:00

I tried to post video earlier today and I think I finally figured out why it didn't work. The person who posted it put some wicked voodoo on it and made it impossible to magically post elsewhere. Or, in other words, there's some computer technical term for it, but I know nothing about it, so I'm currently incapable of making it appear here for you to watch for my entertainment pleasure. Boo!
So, since I'm still a sap, and want to be able to have easy access to the video, I will post the link and be comforted that probably no one will click it and watch it though.

Rory & Jess: Everything

Yes, because I'm a sap, and I feel for the best TV couple ever created.

a different kind of love letter

2008-07-22T00:05:00.002-05:00

I've been writing you letters again. In my head, I mean, because writing them down would be too dangerous, too convenient, too real.
Now don't get excited yet. They aren't anything great, these letters. Just small facts, and tid-bits, and complaints, and questions - -some that you can answer and some you can't and some you can't answer with full faith but will come up with a reply that you know will comfort me without technically being a lie.
They're life.... In writing.
For you.

Silly, I know.

Updates

2008-07-20T22:24:00.002-05:00

So, I got a new computer. A laptop actually. It's cool. High tech. All set up thanks to the boyfriend. The only thing I officially haven't mastered yet is the typing without always hitting the mouse pad or whatever. The stupid cursor moves and I don't necessarily realize it. For example, it probably took me a full minute to type that last sentence because of it moving around. Oh well, I'll get use to it and avoid it eventually. (I was going good there until I hit the "it" too.)
In other news, I'm going to start doing pilates. Yes, you heard me right. I have the DVD, I have the mat, and I've also convinced Kyle that he's going to do it with me. Nice, huh?
Well, that's it for now!

A Little Piece of Summer

2008-07-16T12:15:00.002-05:00

How many weeks are we into summer already, and for the first time I feel like I had a brief moment of summer. FINALLY!
Granted I did my laundry and had it done by 10am, I laid out for a while this afternoon. Then, even though after only a measly 30 minutes I was sweating, I decided to jump into the pool to cool off. AND I even created a whirlpool. :-)
Thank you, summer goddess, for giving me some temporary serenity.

Bring it On?

2008-06-29T22:38:00.003-05:00

So the challenge began.
The challenge was met once.
Met twice.
Reminded upon.
And then accepted upon by #4.
We'll see how this thing goes from here on out.
I'm not much of a writer.

Little Known Fact:

2008-06-20T17:05:00.000-05:00

When one of the whores come,
The rest follow.

I'm going to.....

2008-06-18T13:30:00.000-05:00

....Punch someone in the nose.